Jonathan's blog » Humorous dum stuff

jonathan — Sat, 08 Dec 2007 03:13:05 +0000

Julie showed us this hilarious indian video from youtube the other night, it’s just great! Now I can’t get the song out of my head!

[youtube http://youtube.com/watch?v=vPloEJUIM3o]

Funny pic

jonathan — Tue, 07 Aug 2007 15:39:14 +0000

Who brought the kitty?

Christmas Cake Recipe

jonathan — Thu, 28 Dec 2006 02:16:34 +0000

You’ll need the following:

1 cup Water
1 cup Sugar
4 Large Brown Eggs
2 cups Dried Fruit
1 teaspoon Salt
1 cup Brown Sugar
Lemon Juice
Nuts
1 Bottle of Whisky

Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it’s the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whisky is still OK.

Cry another Tup. Tune up the mixer. Beat two eggs and add to the bowl. Chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it goose with a drewscriver. Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon the sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whisky again and go to bed.

jonathan — Tue, 14 Nov 2006 03:40:42 +0000

My bro Michael just told me another joke today,which he uses for his cab driving to chat up his customers and get bigger tips. What does a fat woman and a Moped(Scooter) have in common? You enjoy riding them until your
friends find out about it.

I read this somewhere before and now again and it’s hilarious.

jonathan — Tue, 14 Nov 2006 03:37:56 +0000

Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the Bible, even a little, you’ll find this hilarious! It comes from a Catholic Elementary school test. Children were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched nor corrected. (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an Apple tree. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

5. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

6. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

7. Moses led the Jews to the Red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert, Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh Aommandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Heb rews in the battle of Geritol.

12. The greates miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in bibical times.

14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the goldn Rule, which says to do unto others before they do on to you. He also explained, a man
doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistels were the wives of the apostals.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

I found these pretty funny

jonathan — Sat, 26 Aug 2006 12:44:17 +0000

Thumbnails:

Les Bleus drive a quarter of French to the pill bottle

jonathan — Sat, 22 Jul 2006 14:59:27 +0000

By Kim Willsher in Paris, Electronic Telegraph Gallic gloom drove one-quarter of the French population to reach for pills to cheer them up, help them to sleep or calm them down last year. The depth of despair to which France has descended is revealed in a new study into the use of mood-altering medication. It found that doctors prescribed an unprecedented 120 million boxes of mood-altering drugs, known as psychotropes, including anti-depressants, sleeping tablets and tranquillisers. It has long been known that the French suffer from Les Bleus—nothing to do with the national football team of the same name that lost the World Cup final a week ago—and are the champions when it comes to taking anti-depressants. The research, by scientists from Bordeaux, found that almost a quarter of all French—more than 15 million people—admitted taking psychotropes in the past year. This is four times more than in Germany, three times more than in Holland and 1.6 times more than their World Cup football rivals, the Italians. The French consume five times as many tranquillisers as the British. One-third of the French population has taken mood-altering pills. Women take twice as many as men—especially after the age of 60. More worryingly, a quarter of all girls and a fifth of boys have been prescribed them before they reach 18, usually during adolescence. The question researchers sought to answer was why, in a country that boasts of a better quality of life than its European neighbours, where workers enjoy a maximum 35-hour working week and retire early, and where the climate is generally clement, the population is so miserable. Prof Bernard Bégaud, one of the authors of the 539-page report, Good Use of Psychotropic Drugs, said the French had every reason to be happy. “They are people who should be content and not have a complaint about anything, but who actually complain all the time. It’s a culture of intolerance, individualism and never being satisfied.” Prof Bégaud and his research colleagues said that in 82 per cent of cases patients were prescribed psychotropes by general practitioners with no psychiatric training. “The average appointment with a GP in France lasts eight minutes. The logical solution when faced with someone who is depressed, stressed or cannot sleep would be to talk to them and find out what is wrong,” he said. “But advice takes longer than eight minutes so it’s easier to write a prescription.” Last year the medical magazine Le Quotidien du Médecin sent two women pretending to have stress, sleep and anxiety problems to 60 GPs across France. All the doctors approached wrote prescriptions for tranquillisers. “It’s clear GPs find it very difficult to refuse a request for these drugs,” concluded the magazine. The recent report, which was commissioned by the French parliament, also blamed lobbying by pharmaceutical companies for persuading non-specialist doctors to reach for their prescription pads. It said that half of those who had taken anti-depressants and more than two-thirds of those taking tranquillisers and sleeping tablets had no psychiatric problem requiring them. Conversely, half of those diagnosed with genuine psychiatric or psychological problems had not been prescribed the drugs. The use of such psychotropes—sleeping tablets, tranquilisers and anti-depressants—cost the French health service €1 billion (£700 million) in 2004, up from €300 million at today’s prices in 1980. Medical experts question the efficacy of such drugs, since France also has one of the highest suicide rates in Europe. The Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development’s latest figures for 1999 show 17.5 out of every 100,000 French take their own lives every year, compared with 10.4 Americans, 7.1 Italians and 7.5 Britons. “I was shocked to discover how we are such big users of these medicines,” said Prof Bégaud. “I think the level of use of these drugs is an indication of the malaise in our civilisation. If I was a politician I would look at these figures and say there is something really wrong in France.”

pretty funny pic

jonathan — Wed, 19 Jul 2006 19:29:08 +0000

Memorable Quote,In all seriousness,a profoundly deep quote

jonathan — Tue, 06 Jun 2006 05:11:44 +0000

Wowbagger gazed for a moment at the fantastic jewelry of the night,the billions of tiny diamond worlds that dusted the infinite darkness with light.Every one,every single one of them was on his itinerary.Most of them he would be going to millions of times over.He imagined for a moment his itinerary connecting all the dots in the sky like a child’s numbered dots puzzle.He hoped that from some strange vantage point in the universe it might be seen to spell a very,very rude. from the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy trilogy part 3: Life,the Universe and Everything by Douglas Adams

Mr. Coffee Man

jonathan — Mon, 13 Mar 2006 14:33:48 +0000

Until a few weeks ago I was the classic case of the cartoon series “too-much-coffee-man”.I finally did quit coffee.When keren was born I had to stay awake for hours 20 hours that day so I drank a few expressos that day; now for 1 month I’ve managed without it just fine,I hope I can keep it up. I’ve tried many times to quit before but when the time came to get to work,I just couldn’t make it without my fix.Now I have substituted it with a cup of orange juice every morning.